As a little girl, perfection was what I strived for. I had to be perfect in everything I did, or I just wasn’t good enough. The perfect daughter, the perfect sister, the perfect friend, the perfect student. It consumed every part of the real me.
Growing up with two parents who had different cultural expectations, pleasing them was the most difficult task I faced, so I focused on perfecting my grades and being a good student. My mother plastered our kitchen wall right next to the kitchen table with all of my “High Honors” award certificates, A+ test scores, along any other recognition awards I received, all of which meant nothing to me.
I thought if I didn’t keep it up, then I was just a defect to my family. I continued this desire for academic success throughout high school, yet I was not able to achieve the goal of perfection. I felt the heavy burden of AP courses and achieving every single success possible in four years of my life, while also being a part of every club I could, hoping to build my maturity through extreme discipline.
I believed these things defined me as a person, but once I came to high school, I realized that’s not true at all. Stopping the stress over B’s and C’s as if it was the end of the world and not being able to grapple with the fact that an honors class was just too fast for me to learn anything were hard realizations I had to face.
I finally broke free from the extremes of ‘I care too much about school’ to ‘I don’t care at all’ in my junior year, when I met someone a lot wiser than me. This friend changed the way I saw myself and the way I held myself up on this pedestal too high for me to stand on anymore. I wasn’t who I was in eighth grade, never mind the person I was one month ago, and I finally realized that.
Perfection was no longer my every thought, and my true self was able to shine through. I grew into myself as I left behind that girl who always had to fit in and be better than her classmates. This time I was actually learning and healing from who I was supposed to be into the person I am.
It’s okay to change and to fall short in life; it doesn’t mean you’re any less than or imperfect. This was a lesson I learned from that person, and I still hold it deeply within me. I was ashamed of moving down from Honors to CP.
Coming to the end of my high school years and into adulthood, I’ve finally stopped caring so much about what others think of me based on my performance. I’m not defined by any grade or achievement I earn, but by me and my hard work and impact on other people’s lives. Along with putting effort and working on my skills in the things I love: writing, photography, understanding the world around me, and making a positive difference in my community.
This journey has opened my eyes to my passions for life and the deeper skills I hope to perfect, but not let define my life. That ideal image of myself was never me, and I’m so happy I had someone to open my eyes to that truth and help me grow into the girl I am today. My next certificate will mean something to me this time, and it will be a genuine achievement of mine.
The little girl in me would be so happy with where I am now, and I think of that all the time. I achieved her dreams of breaking free from perfection and pursuing what she actually wanted to without the burden of others’ opinions, but also achieving a higher education and growing into myself without pushing away what I truly love and desire for my own life.
Senior year was what she always wished for, and now she’s proudly here, achieving her own goals and living her own life.
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